Funny Stories

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Funny Stories

Ok just in case the people that made these stories get angry thinking i stole it from them all i have to say is that i got all these from E-mails that were sent to me. All except for the "Adventures of Mr. Moe " that was from a freind. If one of these stories or jokes are yours then please tell me.I'll put your name next to your story/joke. I'll find a way you can contact me without giving you my e-mail address and screename. Until that time comes you'll have to wait. Thanx! Also i meant no disrespect to you blonds when i posted up these blond jokes. I just think their funny.

Well, enough talk start reading!

The Adventures of Mr. Moe aka Boulder Man

By: Bryan Grzenia

& Max Haderlien

Mr. Moe likes to cut off people's arms and legs then throw them in the ocean. Mr. Moe likes to lure little kids into his house with candy then throw them in a pit and make them fight gladiator style to the death. After the kids are done battling, he puts a leash on the kids that survived the battle and ties the other side of the leash to his car and drags the children behind at 70mph for eight miles. If lucky they will live so they feel the pain. He drains every drop of blood of the kids that he kills and sees how much blood he collects every week. For a hobby he takes humans and puts them in a cage filled with a dozen crazy baboons and watches the baboons eat the humans and see if they beat the record time of eating a human. He finds that very amusing.

The Birds and the Bees

Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother.

" Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured 'Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and gettin all out of breath.

His other hand must of been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick -- a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really scared her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever

seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house! Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats -- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.

BLONDE JOKES

Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?

It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

What do you call an eternity?

Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?

Toes Go In First.

Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland "Left", so they turned around and went home.

What do SMART Blondes and UFO's have in common?

You always hear about them but never see them.

What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?

Oh look, Daddy...Doughnut seeds.

Why did the Blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?

Because it said concentrate.

Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?

They think their picture is being taken.

How can you tell when a Blonde sends you a fax?

lt has a stamp on it.

Why can't Blondes dial 911?

They can't find the 11 on the phone!

What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?

Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!

How can you tell if a Blonde has been using your computer?

There is white-out all over the monitor.

Why shouldn't Blondes have coffee breaks?

It takes too long to retrain them.

A Blonde and a brunette were walking outside When the brunette said, "Oh look at the dead bird." The Blonde looked skyward and said, "Where, where?"

How do you drown a Blonde?

Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.

Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?

You have to hollow out the head.

How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde's eye?

Shine a flashlight in her ear.

What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team?

They drowned in Spring Training.

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?

"Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?

Tell her joke on Wednesday.

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that …………........

- she called me to get my phone number.

- she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

- she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

- she got stabbed in a shoot-out.

- she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."

- she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

- she sat on the TV and watched the couch.

- she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

- she tried to drown a fish.

- she thought a quarterback was a refund.

- she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

- if you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change back.

- they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.

- under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

- she tripped over a cordless phone.

- she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

- at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here"...she put Sagittarius."

- she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

- it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.

- if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.

- she studied for a blood test.

- she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.

- she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.

- she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.

- she sold the car for gas money.

- when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.

- when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

- she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.

- when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

- when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport - Left" she turned around and went home.

Parody Lyrics to “The Real Slim Shady”

may I have you attention please?

may I have your attention please?

will the real slim shady please shut up

I repeat, will the real slim shady please shut up

we're gonna have a problem here

y'all act like you never seen a white person before

his rhymes are a bore

punk kid trying to be hard -core

but marshall mathers back worse than before

makin us snore whining on the microphone

it's the return of the . . .oh wait. . .no, wait you're a fool

you did pay money for this CD did you?

and dr. dre did everything you idiot

without dre's beat beds you're as good as dead

the world's had enough of eminem

jiggy jiggy

even his girlfriends cheatin' on him

look at him walkin' around livin' of dre actin' so cool

but he's really kind of weak though

little twits blast me on his new CD

why? cause i turned him down for a date hee hee

as for the question who came first

was it carson aly or or was it fred durst

im sorry slim but this is gonna hurt

they both got further than you ever will jerk

your song is on my nerves

you're kinda lucky 'cause you have more fame than you deserve

that is the message i deliver to little kids

you can be famous and never know what talent is

of course they're gonna like you

of course they do

you're like a cartoon version of ricky shroeder on "silver spoons"

you aint nothing but a product packaged to be bought up

you know a year rom now you wont be thought of

so, you write about dead animals and cannibals

and someday soon you'll stop dating dogs and date higher mammals

and there's a million other women just like me

that think like me that alll agree that slim shady is just a boy dealing with puberty

so, if you agree scream loudly with me

you're slim shday, yes, youre the real shady

you sound like peter brady

you get quite irritating

so, wont the real slim shady please shut up

please shut up

Little Golden Books That Never Made It!

Its on the "Bogus Home Page"

You Are Different and That's Bad

The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables

Dad's New Wife, Robert

Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share

Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book

The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking

Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her

Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

All Cats Go to Hell

The Little Sissy Who Snitched

Some Kittens Can Fly

That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption

Grandpa Gets a Casket

The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator

Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia

The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy

Strangers Have the Best Candy

Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way

You Were an Accident

Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will

Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games

The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan

Your Nightmares Are Real

Where Would You Like to Be Buried?

Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School

Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things

Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

Little Golden Books That Never Made It! 2

These were made by ME

My Real family...... with the gang

You were a Poor Indonesian Baby.........

You were Adopted.........

Your Dad's in a Sexual Harrassment Suit

Why Barney Pays that Woman with a Whip

Why your Woo Hoo Grows When you See Certain Women

Why you Should be Afraid of Hell

Your a Crack Head Baby

Ill com e up with more later!